Liberal Writer is Scared of Guns and God Bless America

Timothy Miller sings God Bless America during the seventh inning stretch of a game between the Atlanta Braves and the Los Angeles Dodgers. Photo credit: AJC

Bring out the trigger warnings and safe spaces, folks. Some people get offended really easily. And by some people, I mean New York Daily News writer Gersh Kuntzman. Several weeks ago after the Orlando shooting, Kuntzman decided to go shooting with an AR-15. And by shooting, I mean gingerly pulling the trigger and recoiling in horror every time a real bullet! *gasp* came out of the gun. He left the range claiming he was “terrified, anxious, and irritable.” Apparently firing a weapon at a range can give people PTSD. And by people, I mean wimps with a liberal narrative to advance.

It took Kuntzman three weeks to recover from his “PTSD” enough to get offended and terrified by something else. Now, he claims to be offended by the old classic “God Bless America.” I’m beginning to believe that firing the AR-15 may have actually done something to Kuntzman’s brain. He came out of his safe space long enough to write a column about it for the New York Daily News, which I will cite portions of and comment on them for your reading pleasure.

“It’s time for God to stop blessing America during the seventh-inning stretch.”

Okay, hold it right there. I had no idea that God only blessed us when we stood up in a baseball stadium and asked for it. If this is the case, I recommend singing God Bless America between every inning. We clearly could use more blessings from above. Have you seen our Presidential candidates?

“Welcome to the July 4 holiday weekend — when once again, baseball fans will be assaulted by the saccharine-sweet non-anthem “God Bless America” at stadia all over this great land.”

Happy Independence Day to you too, Gersh! But “saccharine-sweet” and “stadia?” Did you have a quota of important sounding words you had to fulfill this week? Or were you just trying to sound more educated than everyone else? Either way, it makes you sound like a jerk. Which you probably are, but I digress. Also, what’s this “assaulted” business? Last time I checked, no one is forced to sing God Bless America. You could leave the stadium or put in earplugs to prevent your tender feelings from being hurt, but what do I know?

“But no matter which home team you root, root, root for, “God Bless America” should be sent permanently to the bench.”

Lame baseball metaphor alert. Please go sit in the corner and think about what you wrote.

“Now, don’t get me wrong: When Major League Baseball ordered all teams to play the patriotic jingle after 9/11, I didn’t immediately object. Standing with my fellow fans, as one, and singing a paean to our country provided catharsis, comfort and shared heartache.”

Thank you for providing this disclaimer. I am glad you at least pretended to be a patriotic person after a major terrorist attack. Quick suggestion: if God Bless America provides “catharsis and comfort,” you could play it every time you fire an AR-15. It might help with your “PTSD.”

“Part of my outrage stems from ponderous Mussolini-esque introduction of the song, when fans are asked to rise, remove their caps and place them over their hearts.”

Hahahahahahahahahahaha. *breathes* Hahahahahahahahahaha. “Ponderous Mussolini-esque introduction.” Bro, do you even realize what you just wrote? Don’t fire any more AR-15s. They’re bad for your mental health. I would comment more on this, but I can’t stop laughing long enough to write.

“The song still embodies great things about America, but also our worst things: self-righteousness, forced piety, earnest self-reverence, foam.”

Are you even serious here? I’m still hoping that this is a parody column. It’s got to be a parody column.

“So this July 4, join me at the Church of Baseball by not rising and not doffing your cap for a song that is not the national anthem of a nation that is not uniquely blessed by some deity that doesn’t exist anyway. If you want to thank God for blessing America, you can do it on Sunday in the other church.”

Ah, finally we see some bravery. Kuntzman will courageously stay seated with his hat on during the next performance of God Bless America. But what if this offends people near him? What if they feel like he is displaying “self-righteousness and earnest self-reverence?”

In all seriousness, this paragraph gets to the root all of atheist complaints about patriotic mentions of God. They don’t want to hear about God in the public square, because it reminds them that God actually may exist, and that they may actually be accountable to Him for their actions. My prayers are with Kuntzman, both for his speedy recovery from his “PTSD,” and that he may soon grow a thicker skin.

About the Author

Conrad Close
Conrad is a marketing and public relations professional. With extensive experience in political and media strategy, Conrad is dedicated to helping companies and organizations serve their customers and supporters through effective marketing and PR. When not working, Conrad spends his time watching baseball or hanging out at home with his fiancée, Stephanie, and their golden retriever, Wrigley.